Tuesday, October 24, 2006

So typical...Bob gets excited about something and gets the rest of the family excited...then drops the ball!! What happened to this "Family Reunion" event you were planning. To put it in bowling lingo: you just threw an entire game of gutterballs.

And what happened to the rest of you...have you lost your internet connections? Forget how to type? Experiencing extended power outages? I'm tired of holding this family together. Counting all of my money and putting it in nice even stacks takes a lot of time...but I still take the time to keep in touch (yes, the mamalian testicle trade business is still booming).

Samantha

Thursday, September 21, 2006

There are so many funny jokes and comments you can make about Ricky Martin...

Britney

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Bob, Bob, where are you? I want to have your babies.

My name is Danielle and and am a friend of Britney's. I'm a die-hard bowler...I missed my wedding because it was league finals. Britney said you were a souless loser with nothing but bowling on his mind....but that is exactly what I am looking for in a man. I'm not lying, you should check out my MySpace.com webpage!! I want to mate with you and make a super-freaky bowling superstar child.

Call me!!
Danielle

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

For years now I have been anticipating the day I would reveal myself to the rest of the Smoth family. To this day, my existence is known only to two of the Smoths, Marie-Louise and Jimmy. We have kept in touch and I was given permission to post my story.

My name is Samantha Smoth, and I am the first child of Marie-Louise and Jimmy. I was born during the 16-month bus tour that mom and dad were on to promote their WKRP (in Cincinnati) wedding. They were celebrities (in Raleigh, North Carolina and Dover, Delaware, especially) and my birth was kept out of the public eye. I hear that the paparazzi in the north-eastern states can be very aggressive. My parents sent me to Bern, Switzerland to grow up (out of the spotlight) under the care of Diedrich Vasser II, from whom I eventually learned the trade that has made me filthy rich. I am in the lucrative business of on-line purchase and re-sale of mammalian testicles (ie. balls). In all likelihood, I was part of the transaction involving Trixiebelle's genitalia. I won't go into all the details, but you'd be surprised at the price that a good "pair" fetches these days (of course, all transactions on-line are completely confidential and come with a full money-back guarantee for up to 18-months).

A little about myself: I am 27 years old and am in a committed relationship with a fellow I met in Switzerland a few years back. Thomas is an alpine guide, trained and experienced in central Saskatchewan, Canada. He also is a Ricola spokesman in the off-peak season. Thomas and I enjoy the high-life here in Bern, socializing, playing strip cribbage, and watching America's Funniest Home Videos (on satellite). Currently, we are busy renovating the log cabin. There is a bowling alley in the rec room that is being ripped out...no one in there right mind would take up the game anyways (unless you were an amputee, of course). We are thinking of replacing it with a curling rink.

Exciting news, Thomas and I are getting married in a few months. With our exceptional wealth, we've decided to pay for everyone to come out to Switzerland to share with us our special day. More details will be announced at the family reunion.

It's such a relief to tell everyone my story and can't wait to hear from you all.

Samantha

Friday, September 01, 2006

Bob here. Hey everyone. This post is really directed towards my sister Mary-Louise Smoth. Which all of you who dont know should understand that is Trixiebella and Britney's mom. You BITCH! Thats all I have to say. What kind of sacrelige are you spittin out on our blog. "Bowling is for cowards and amputees" ???????????????????????????? What the hell are you on? You are definitely the black sheep of the family Mary-L. I am so disappointed. Shamed really. Britney, Trixiebella... when you read this please realize that your mother is on some serious crack! Maybe its because she married her brother Jimmy that you girls grew up with a good head on your shoulders I dont know... Oh the shame. You know Mary-L, my bowling buddies read this blog and they are all laughing at me this week. They made me wear a cheerleading outfit this morning at breakfast bowling. Unbelieveable... Though Erma the breakfast bartender was checkin me out. For a big lady... she is pretty smokin. Anyways, Mary-L I expect an apology. I am really disappointed. And I think you need to go to your AA meetings more often. No more drinking and posting Mary-L oh and ask Jimmy if we are still on for our Thursday night cow tippin.

Bob.

PS, I will keep you posted on how things play out with Erma.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I am rather disappointed that the extended family has not come out of their kennels to post onto our news home. I was hopping that Jedediah and Jezebel from the Iowa Amish Colony just NW of Iowa City would lurch out. Thats right to all y'all who forgot about our technologically impaired relations, we are related to people in the Amana Church Society.

They are not like most Amish though, if you head into Iowa city you will likely get to see their horse drawn buggy parked outside of an Internet cafe' where they are surfing for family history, my recent photo shoot, funny jokes or ways to prepare hamster. I hope we can convince them to join in our blog, we promise not to tell the other Amish folk.

There are so many Smoth family members around the world that most are either forgotten, dead, lost in a bush maze, in prison, or plainly removed from the family tree ceremony at the reunions. It is to bad because some of the Smoths are very tellegent, and have vented all kindof things. I remember even old mom herself vented the first whooping rack. Picture the gun rack in your pickup truck only loaded with belts to be used for keeping young'uns in line.

I was not telling any lies when I called mom unhinged, cross eyed, narcoleptic or a beast. I remember one time back when I had extra dangles, she got mad at me while we were moving our home. I got out of the trailer at the next re-filler and went to take a leak. Little did I know that she would fall asleep and forget to see if I made it back. Then I think just because she was mad she made me hitch hike home. I learnt a lot about what it takes to pay for a ride that summer, them lessons helped form me into the women I am today.

Our poor sheep, without me around for mom to open a can of whooping rack on, she vented on them. I still have a wool shirt from back then that is as tough as the skin of a baby gator.

Trixiebelle
So, I was sitting in my van enjoying my supper (corn dogs, 2-bite brownies, and lemonade) when the doorbell rang (Do you find it odd that I have a doorbell in my van? It is a remarkably well-equipped van). I opened the driver side door and, to my surprise, nobody there. Then I remembered, 'bong' means passenger door ('bing-bong' is driver-side door). At first glance, I thought it was Tom Selleck (Magnum P.I.) but as it turned out it was only at 13 year old orphan selling clumps of dirt so that she could afford her crippling addiction to scratch-n-sniff stickers. Y'know, the stickers that you scracth and then they smell like watermelon, or lemons, or wet dog, or new car smell, or rotting flesh...unless you scratch too often and the paper wears away and all you have is a faded memory of better days (and smells) ... ... ... Anyways, I sent the girl packing...the dirt she was selling was crap.

Britney

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

"unhinged, cross eyed, narcoleptic beast of a women", eh? You ingrateful child! After all your father and I have done for you. I don't know how you could have forgotten already, we took you in and cared for you after you spent your $20 prize for the removal of you nutsack and the addition of those oh-so-perfect breasts. Your father alone spent hours bathing you...which is kind of creepy now that I think about it.

It's so nice to hear from everyone. I'm so proud of Britney and all that she has accomplished in Africa, making the world a better place and all. Bob, I'm so glad you have a committed yourself to a healthy diet, it's so much better than those few years where all you ate was monkey testicles and rat piss. On the other hand, you need to get into the real world. Bowling is for cowards and amputees. Best sport in the world, spare me. Trixiebelle, it's great that you have found full-time and respectful work. If we ever come to Nevada to visit, you can give us a tour of the club and maybe we could watch you work.

Your father retired this last summer after working 53 years at the glue factory. Yes, he is still covered in feathers after that psychotic gaggle of geese flew through the factory. Good news is that the glue is high-quality and long-lasting. We are enjoying the days here in Topeka, Kansas: the sunflower state. We spend most of the time creating correographed dance routines to the latest rap songs and trading stocks on-line. We also are busy caring for the 2 orphaned cougars that we adopted (well, more like stole from the zoo).

I can't wait to hear from all of the other family members. Sweet, Nelly's on the radio...gotta go dance.

With love,
Mom and Dad